Hi friends!
Thank you for joining me yet again as we explore Ephesians Five and the idea of submission in marriage. This is part three, so if you haven’t yet had the chance to browse over part one or part two, feel free!
When planning this series, I had no idea the final part would line up with Ephesians Five being the 2nd reading for this past Sunday. *Holy Spirit chills*
I spent some time in part two speaking of how submission is about responsibility and service rather than power and strict gender roles. However, it is important to note that men and women are created fundamentally different (body, soul and mind), and thus bring different gifts, strengths and weaknesses to the altar of marriage.
Ephesians 5:22 sets this up to some extent, stating that “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of Church.”
What does this mean?
Well, I decided to ask my head, aka my husband, about it.
As we talked, he described his understanding of headship like being the captain of a ship (the family). The captain is responsible for the ship — which is a lot of work! He has to make sure that the ship is staying on course, has to be attentive for any possible enemies or disrepairs that may occur, and is accountable for knowing what is on the boat.
This metaphor made me think again how, in the light of the Gospel, relationships aren’t just about how to measure power. Jesus is the head of the Church - the Church is his body. A husband is the head of the wife - the wife is his body. They don’t make sense without the other. And the goal in these relationships is always unity, never a wielding of force or control over the other simply as an assertion of power.
I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. (John 17:21)
I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. (1 Corinthians 1:10)
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)
Marriage quickly becomes about power when unity is not valued.
There are always disagreements that must be worked through, but with the grace of the Holy Spirit, I believe that there is always a way forward that does not include one person having a final vote — at least not in a forceful manner.
*I have to add that my perspective is partially influenced by my experience and studies of conflict resolution. I believe there is always a way forward in any conflict that doesn't involve one person being totally disregarded.
Getting back to the husband’s role, St. Edith Stein comes again with a beautiful explanation of what it means to be the head of the wife and family.
If the man is to be the leader, […] the head of the entire family--in the sense Christ is the head of the Church, so is it the duty of the man to conduct this microcosm of the great Mystical Body in such a way that each of its members may be able to develop his gifts perfectly and contribute to the salvation of the entire body. [He has] the power to bring talents which are existent to development (or to suppress them), as a person most certainly can be helpful in developing the gifts of another. And it is wisdom on his part not to allow these gifts to atrophy but to permit them to be developed for the welfare of all. And since he himself is not perfect like Christ, but rather a creature with many gifts and many defects, his highest wisdom may be to permit the gifts of the other members to compensate for his defects, just as it could be the highest political wisdom of the sovereign to allow a judicious minister to rule.
(Separate Vocations of Man and Woman, 19)
Again, the marital relationship is framed in terms of responsibility. I love the last part, that clearly outlines how as the head, the husband needs to be aware of his own weaknesses and lack of ability in some areas so that he can then allow his wife to compensate for him. Part of this is recognizing that in different spheres of life, the wife or husband might defer to the other’s decisions. Of course, this requires trust that your spouse will always be trying to act according to what is best for you, which is in no way easy or automatic.
My husband and I brainstormed some practical ways that this “headship” could be lived out.
Taking stock of issues within himself and his family, and seeking ways to implement change
Being aware of what is coming into his home, in terms of technology, media, etc.
Making sure that his wife has time to rest, take care of herself and pursue life-giving activities (whether that’s by taking care of the children himself or helping find care for them)
Always checking in with his wife’s emotional life
Participating in the sacraments and encouraging his family to do the same
Praying for his family, praying when his wife can’t and in prayer being attentive to areas of spiritual attack
Blessing the members of his family and the home (each night, my husband makes sure the doors are locked and blesses them at the same time)
Leading times of family prayer
The list could go on (and by making this list, I am not saying that all of these happen perfectly within our family).
Art by Micheal Malm
I’m going to elaborate a bit on the responsibility of a husband to make sure that his wife is physically, emotionally and spiritually nourished. I personally had never really thought of this aspect of headship until St. Edith Stein (can never get enough of her) brought it to my attention. I will admit that this passage brought tears to my eyes the first time I read it, because it draws a picture of love and care that I think many women crave.
The passage goes as follows:
One of his duties is to strengthen the spirituality of his wife, not permitting her to lapse into a life of mere sensuality; this could be done by letting her participate in his own creative work or in independent activity of her own. Should she be deprived of both alternatives, should he try to confine her to a sphere too narrow for her talents, or should he relinquish her entirely to the merely sensual life, he would carry a great share of responsibility for the resulting consequences: responsibility for the atrophy of her higher life, for pathological disturbance, for an excessive dependence on husband and children, one which becomes a burden to them, and for the desolation of her life if one day she is left behind on her own. The analogy also holds true in relation to the children.
(Separate Vocations of Man and Woman, 38)
Wow.
The stakes are high!
St. Edith Stein says that if a husband does not encourage his wife in developing her talents, or allows her to waste the gifts she has been given in mere sensual endeavors, he would share the responsibility of the consequences. The captain goes down with the ship.
This requires a high level of emotional awareness and attentiveness to a woman’s needs, talents and actions that go far beyond the stoic or authoritarian image of the husband that sometimes accompanies Ephesians Five. It also requires a high level or receptiveness on the part of the wife to listen and respect what her husband observes in her.
These words from St. Edith Stein have helped me immensely in embracing the idea of husband as the head and wife as the body.
My own experience within marriage is that my husband often is more rational and objective than me, and I am often more intuitive and in touch with emotions and physical needs than he is.
This is not a declaration of how every marriage is, but simply an observance that has helped me understand our different, yet equal roles.
Our wedding day.
Marriage, as a vocation, is meant to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Too often we fall into ways of relating based on how other people around us are living or on popular culture. But the call to sacramental marriage is radical and does require a high level of responsibility. And it’s a journey!
I hope this series of Ephesians Five has encouraged you to think and explore how you understand the relationship between husbands and wives. I would be very interested to hear any of your thoughts or observances!
Things I’ve enjoyed this week:
Watching The Lost Kitchen. I read Erin French’s book Finding Freedom last year, and this show just dives deeper into her cooking. If you are interested in local, sustainable food, I can’t recommend this show enough.
I appreciated this post from
about resisting the digital age. It’s good to be reminded how the little things like having cookbooks and printed out recipes can help us get away from the constant screen usage. The comment section on the post is great reading too!“I’ve realized as I write this that a lot of these things might seem to someone like “more work,” but it truly doesn’t feel that way to me. Analog life feels good to me. It feels straightforward, simple.”
Sister Josephine Garrett’s talk from the National Eucharistic Congress.
“ [We need] the ability to understand that ordinary and simple encounters are also sanctified and profound and they are meaningful in the body of Christ.”
Have a beautiful and peaceful week,
Hannah Chartier
What a quote from Edith Stein! I have her essays on women yet unread.
Tomorrow we shall have interesting conversation ;) This whole series is written so well