we've made a mess of submission (pt. 2)
what is mutuality, and what about gender roles?
Welcome!
This is part two of a little series I am doing of Ephesians Five and submission, so if you haven’t had the chance to read pt. 1, you can take a look at it here.
To follow up on my questions from last time, I decided to ask my husband what he thought. So as we were folding laundry the other day, I asked him point blank:
“Do you think I am submissive?”
He stared at me, with a mix of incredulity and slight amusement as one who is used to me asking these existential questions and also as one who will never totally be accustomed to such intellectual bombardment.
I then followed up with:
“Or if that’s too much of a label, what are ways you think that I submit to you?”
After a period of silence, he replied with his usual honesty:
“No easy examples come to mind.”
hah.
Well, we then had a longer conversation about what submission actually is, if he/we think it is actually necessary for wives to submit to their husbands more than vice versa and finally arrived at the position where he said:
“It’s not like I think you need to be more submissive. We both defer to each other in certain areas of our lives.”
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
I think this is what St. John Paul II is reminding us of in “Mulieris Dignitatem:”
“However, whereas in the relationship between Christ and the Church the subjection is only on the part of the Church, in the relationship between husband and wife the "subjection" is not one-sided but mutual.”
Mutuality. Complementarity.
These are words that come up very often in the Church’s teachings and tradition of marriage and the relationship between men and women (especially in the Theology of the Body.)
Yet, I don’t think we spend enough time unpacking what they mean and practically look like in everyday marriages and in the life of the Church at large.
Instead, we quickly fall into the world’s way of processing relationships, which is all about power, “fairness” and false equality where everyone is the same. We argue about who should be in charge of the finances of the home, and whether or not it is “fair” for wives to be the primary caregivers. We postulate that if only women could be deacons, then they would at least have some of the recognition that men have in the Church.
All of those conversations are about measuring power in some way. They come from a place of fear - that if men and women don’t hold the exact same positions or level of power in a relationship or structure, it isn’t fair and oppression will automatically ensue.
And yes, oppression can follow when people are valued less or more based on what level of power they hold. But, with Jesus’ call to mutual submission, this isn’t what we should expect.
Art by Brian Kershisnik
We need to stop measuring in terms of power, and instead measure our relationships in terms of responsibility and if both men and women are being given the space to flourish in their natural God-given talents and abilities.
This is both true in a broader sense, speaking of men and women at large, and at an individual level in each unique marital relationship.
Mutuality is self-giving, and concerned with the good of the other.
It is not a grab for power and control.
Complementarity is about recognizing the gifts of the other, and striving to make space for them to be developed to their full capacity, for the good of the family and the world.
Here’s a short story of how I failed to understand what was meant by complementarity early in my relationship with my husband.
Before we started dating, I had been listening to a lot of podcasts about the roles of men and women in relationships, how to draw the best out of each other’s masculinity and femininity, etc…
So when we started dating, I had a strong motivation to make sure that I allowed my then boyfriend, now husband, to be a leader in our relationship. Now, I should note that in terms of personality, if you’re familiar with the temperaments, I am a choleric-melancholic. On the other hand, my husband is sanguine, through and through. So think fun, chill guy and intense overthinking woman. Yes, that’s us :)
Hence, I decided that in the name of properly ordered relationships, Rhéal should be the one to initiate and plan all of our dates.
This proved to be… stressful.
For one thing, I love planning dates and coming up with creative activities. Rhéal is less of a planner and although he is down to try anything, new and creative ideas don’t pop into his head like they do in mine.
So neither of us were happy with the arrangement, even though I was thinking that it was the proper way fulfilling our masculine and feminine roles.
We finally talked about it and decided that since I enjoyed and had a gift for planning, there was no reason that I shouldn’t be the one doing it the majority of the time. My presuppositions about gender roles had proved not to be what was needed for us to thrive.
All this to say, complementarity in marriage is not about strictly following some made up guideline about what is masculine and what is feminine. Yes, men and women have different capacities and gifts, physically, spiritually and intellectually.
What does living that out look like?
It calls for great self-knowledge in our identities as men and women, as well as mutual discernment of our spouses’ gifts and abilities.
From there, we can learn to submit to one another out of reverence for what God has given to the other.
It can’t come from a preexisting list of what it looks like be a perfect Christian husband or wife, as each of us are called to live out our femininity and masculinity in a unique way.
I love, love, love what St. Edith Stein (Sr. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross) writes about this topic. The following quote comes from her essay entitled “Separate Vocations of Man and Woman: According to Nature and Grace”.
I encourage you to read it slowly.
It is the vocation of every Christian, not only of a few elect, to belong to God in love's free surrender and to serve Him. Whether man or woman, whether consecrated or not, each one is called to the imitation of Christ. The further the individual continues on this path, the more Christlike he will become. Christ embodies the ideal of human perfection: in Him all bias and defects are removed, and the masculine and feminine virtues are united and their weaknesses redeemed; therefore, His true followers will be progressively exalted over their natural limitations. That is why we see in holy men a womanly tenderness and a truly maternal solicitude for the souls entrusted to them while in holy women there is manly boldness, proficiency, and determination.
Submission isn’t about insisting that our spouse follow our expectations.
Submission is about truly seeing the other’s gifts and choosing to let them shine in those areas, even if that means sacrificing control.
It means that we measure our relationships in how responsible we are to each other, not how much power one or the other has in a certain area.
This is the innovation of the Gospel:
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” (1 Peter 4:10)
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)
“But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:44-45)
“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.” (John 13: 14-15)
That’s where I’ll end for today. If you’re thinking, “well what about the whole ‘husbands as the head’ part of Ephesians Five?”, don’t worry, I am going to get to that in Part Three! Although masculinity and femininity are lived out in different ways, there are certain principles and truths that fuel our identities and therefore, play a role in how God calls us live our vocations. More Edith Stein coming your way.
A few things I enjoyed this week:
- reminds us all what birth is about in “What makes a good birth?”
“Did the mother feel centered and respected? Did she feel like she could use her voice and make thoughtful decisions about her body and her baby? Did the involved professionals hold space for the the sacredness of what they were overseeing?”
Made these for a potluck: an easy crowd pleaser! Homemade Pigs in a Blanket
As a non-meal planner, I loved this video about establishing a kitchen flow from Lisa at Farmhouse on Boone. Her videos are always so comforting!
I hope you all have a beautiful week!
Shalom,
Hannah Chartier
One heck of a quote from Edith Stein 😯