Let’s face it. It is hard to make friends as an adult.
In my early twenties, I was blessed with an amazing college experience where I was surrounded by many kindred spirits. However, I moved away after graduation and many of those friendships faded with the distance. The ones that persisted are monthly phone call and yearly visit type relationships which are so wonderful, but are not quite the same as having friends to do life with.
I’ve spent many nights mourning the fact that I don’t live closer to the dear friends of my early twenties. I’ve sadly whined the lyrics of Kacey Musgraves’s Lonely Weekend often enough: “cuz if my sister lived in town I know that we’d be doing something fun.” The truth remains: in person, close-by friendships are irreplaceable.
A few years ago, I was in a particularly lonely season. The pandemic had just cleared, I had a six month old baby, and my husband and I had just moved. I didn’t know anyone who lived close by and the long days at home alone were getting to me.
I remember crying and praying, just asking God to give me one kindred spirit. My husband, well aware of my loneliness, kindly encouraged me to reach out to some local women. But, if you’ve ever tried to initiate a friendship as an introvert, you know it is hard work and usually takes a lot of outside encouragement.
That night my husband went to a work party. He came home around 9:00 PM, and suddenly, I heard him laughing downstairs. I came down to find him holding a picture frame. It turns out that there had been a gift exchange, and he had received the frame, full of lottery scratch tickets. Upon arriving home, he took the tickets out, and behind them, in the frame, was this painting.
When I saw it, I was deeply touched because I knew the painting was a gift from God to me. This painting, entitled “Island Friends” by Catherine Munn, is a depiction of Anne and Diana from Anne of Green Gables—the original pair of kindred spirits. I took the gift of this image as a promise from God, that he had indeed heard my prayers and would in his time provide me with the companionship I longed for.
However, a kindred spirit did not miraculously appear out the sky for me. Rather, God made it clear to me that I need to put in some work. My dear Mother used to have a garden ornament inscribed with the following words: bloom where you are planted. This phrase has popped into my head, time and time again, as an invitation to step out and invest in people who live in my immediate vicinity.
It is tempting to believe that friendship just spontaneously happens, sort of like falling in love at first sight. If we don’t feel an immediate deep connection with someone, we can simply relegate them into the acquaintance zone, instead of putting in the work of building a true friendship. As I’ve learned over the last few years, kindred spirits aren’t as hard to find as I once thought. But finding them does require two things: intentionality and vulnerability.
I believe that these two building blocks are an anti-dote to some of the most common pitfalls of female friendship. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been hurt by a woman she called a friend. Personally, I’ve had multiple “close friends” betray me. Pettiness, competitiveness, rampant gossip and a lack of authenticity are all extremely common in female friendships, and keep our relationships shallow.
It is easy to invite someone out for coffee, but so difficult to have an open door, “drop by anytime” policy.
It is easy to say “let’s catch up sometime,” but hard to commit to weekly or monthly evenings together.
We are so often afraid to commit, and to share who we really are.
Many of the saints have a lot to say about what they call spiritual friendship. Now, it is easy to assume that spiritual friendships are limited to the relationships between a spiritual mentor and their mentee, or two dedicated religious such as St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila. This simply isn’t true. We are all called to have spiritual friendships— those connections with others that help us grow closer to God through encouragement and true charity. These are exactly the kinds of relationships that go beyond shallow chit-chat into sharing the depth of our human experience.
This is what St. Francis De Sales has to say on the topic:
But for those who live in the midst of the world and yet strive for true virtue, it is necessary to ally themselves to one another by a holy and sacred friendship through which they stimulate, assist and encourage each other toward good.
Those who walk on level ground do not need to hold hands, but those who climb steep and slippery roads need to hold on to each other in order to progress more securely.1
We all need others to help us grow in virtue. As women, our emotional lives are often very vibrant and how do I say this— formidable? immense? chasmic? We need healthy ways to process and express the richness of our inner lives. In my experience, it is too much to ask our spouse or a single family member to hold all of what we have to offer. Having a circle of intimate friends who we can truly trust is a treasure well worth the investment of our time and effort.
So how can we practice intentionality and vulnerability in a concrete and practical way as we look to build deep friendships with other women?
I would like to introduce you to the concept of a share group.
I was first introduced to the concept of a share group during my days at a Catholic formation program. All students were assigned at random to a small group upon arrival. We were told that this group, total strangers at first, were the women that we could intimately share with about our spiritual and emotional experiences throughout the program. And yes, it felt very weird at first. The women in my first share group were not necessarily people that I felt an instant connection with. But, as the year went on, our weekly meetings became beautiful times of deep connection.
I was inspired to try replicating this experience last year. I felt convicted to pray about who I should ask to form a new share group. The names that God brought to my mind were not the most obvious choices to me. All three of the other women were acquaintances of recent years. We weren’t all in the same season of life. Two were dating at the time. One was newly married and pregnant. I had a toddler.
Even so, with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I reached out and all of them agreed that this share group idea was something they were interested in.
For the past year, we have been meeting once a month to share intentionally about our spiritual and emotional lives. We laugh, cry and occasionally rant together. These women, who a year ago knew me only a little, have become close friends through the process of intentional and authentic sharing.
Now, our share group has a very deliberate structure to it, which I will share below.
We gather monthly, setting aside two or three hours for our share group. It has worked for us to take turns hosting, but there is always the option of meeting at a church or even a quiet coffee shop.
Each of us are given up to twenty minutes of time to share what has been on our hearts over the past month. During this time, no one else talks — it is time for the person to share freely, not for feedback or comments.
After each sharing is done, one other person prays for the person who just shared and for their intentions.
After everyone has had a chance to share, we close in prayer and then usually end up commenting or sharing our perspectives about what came up during each person’s sharing.
Obviously, there are many different routines that could work for a share group, but this has been what works for us. As we have gotten to know each other, we naturally have also grown in our individual friendships and often see each other at other points during the month as well. Having the foundation of a time of intentional and vulnerable sharing each month has helped us move beyond the shallow conversations to a place where we can really share our hearts and lives with each other.
If you are struggling in your female friendships, I invite you to consider starting a share group. It can feel risky to invite almost strangers into your life, but as I’ve experienced, vulnerability leads to deep friendship.
“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that has found one has found a treasure.” (Sirach 6:14)
Things I’ve loved this week:
This article from
hit home. Toddler moms, we can do this! <3
I take so much culinary inspiration from Lisa @ Farmhouse on Boone. This video has motivated me once again to try some new from scratch recipes.
My husband and I just finished reading 33 Days to Eucharistic Glory. It was such a simple and beautiful retreat, and a great reminder that Jesus in the Eucharist is indeed the source and summit of our faith.
- at Food Majors has lots of good tips about real food— I enjoyed this short article about how even getting one nutritious meal a day makes a huge difference for children (and adult) health.
I pray you have a peaceful week.
-Hannah Chartier
“Friendship” by St. Francis De Sales: https://www.ecatholic2000.com/cts/untitled-169.shtml
"We need healthy ways to process and express our the richness of our inner lives."
Beautiful reflections, Hannah. The dual reality of knowing that God has heard your prayer but also knowing that effort and intentionality is still needed on your end is one that I've been encountering a lot in recent years, especially in regards to friendships. It IS vulnerable, and weirdly embarrassing, to reach out and invite someone into your life in a deeper capacity—as if the need for authentic connection with other women is something to be shy about! But so worth it.