As I have shared in a previous post (which you can find here), I have had a complicated history with food and my relationship with my body. Of course, this is not an uncommon experience for men and women who have grown up in what can be identified as “diet culture.”
If you aren’t entirely sure what diet culture is, here is a quick definition that covers the basics.
I do not think that anyone growing up in Western society over the past 20+ years has gone unscathed by pervasive ideas around weight. Of course, there are legitimate reasons for following specific eating plans or avoiding different foods, but that is entirely different than constantly limiting your food to improve your appearance so that you meet a certain cultural standard for beauty. From the time I was twelve until I was around twenty, I was a meticulous calorie counter and tried many different fad diets, hoping to get to a specific number that I had deemed as my “goal weight.” It had nothing to do with health, it was simply a number I had in mind based on comparing myself to others. Now, I look back at pictures of myself when I was a teenager, so desperately trying to lose weight, and I can see objectively, that weight was not my problem. I was so uncomfortable in my skin and I thought that changing myself would fix that.
The past 10+ years have been a journey of accepting and learning to love myself just as I am. This is where I will find peace, not in trying to change what I do not like about myself. It is a hard, hard thing to learn, especially when the media and wellness culture tell us otherwise. Maybe even people in our lives tell us otherwise But the reason I feel so strongly that we all need to put conscious effort into dismantling diet culture is because it takes us, especially as women, away from what is important. I think of the hundreds of hours I have spent obsessing over how I look, the parties I did not enjoy because I was triggered and ended up binge eating, and the many late nights wasted searching for diet advice online. It makes me sad - looking back on the years that are shadowed by self-hatred. My passions, interests, and talents were pushed to the side to make room for what I thought was my ultimate purpose: being thin and looking pretty.
But there is always hope. We can always look at where we have been, and use that as our starting point for change. As much as body image has been an area of great suffering for me, it has also been the part of my life that has received the most healing and grace.
As St. Augustine says: 'In my deepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me.'
And so, I am not here today to simply whine about diet culture and all the oppression that comes with it.
No, I am here to share a story about hot chocolate and God’s gentle healing. His love reaches far beyond any societal pressures or personal fears and triggers.
One of the food rules that I internalized at a young age was this: “Don’t drink your calories.” It is a widely circulated mantra for weight loss, basically discouraging you from consuming any drink such as juice, non-diet pop, milk, etc. I cannot remember all the details of why it was encouraged, but I took it to heart. For years, I would only drink Diet Coke, black coffee, or sparkling water to keep my calories low. If I was given a beverage that did not fit those descriptions, I would take a few sips and then pour it down the drain. Over time, a high sense of fear and anxiety would surround me if I ever broke this rule.
Hot chocolate was at the top of this trigger list because not only was it full of calories, but it was also full of sugar! (*gasp*)
There were about five years where I would not go near the stuff. It may seem silly to you, but triggers often work that way. Insignificant or normal things can become sources of fear, and even panic when they are demonized.
As I began my healing journey, I started slowly rebuilding my relationship with food. I stopped counting calories and tried to focus on actually enjoying food for what it was: a gift. But I could not bring myself to drink hot chocolate! It was simply too much - the fear was too deeply ingrained in my mind.
I shared this fear with someone who was accompanying me at that time, and in her gentle way, she told me that God wanted to bring healing to all areas of my heart and mind. He wanted to drink hot chocolate with me, but he was willing to wait until I was ready for it.
It took a while, but one evening, I felt ready to face my fears. I made some hot chocolate and walked over to the chapel in the building where I was living. If am honest, I did not feel at peace; it was difficult to make my way there holding the forbidden beverage, but I wanted healing. I needed healing.
I sat down in the back of the chapel and quieted my mind and soul. I was acutely aware of Jesus’ presence with me. As I sipped on the hot chocolate, I felt his grace wash over me. I knew none of this was silly to him - he wanted to restore even the smallest wounds that my troubled relationship with food had imposed. The tears flowed, and I simply relished the peace and joy that flooded my soul.
Since that encounter with Jesus, that trigger has disappeared. Sometimes there can be a bit of residual fear or hesitation, but even when that comes up, I feel the freedom to reject it as a lie and move forward. I am happy to say seven years later I can drink hot chocolate with a smile on my face.
Even though this story is about my specific trigger, I encourage you to reflect on what a fear or trigger may be that God wants to heal in you. Sometimes we get comfortable with our wounds and believe that they will always be part of our lives. Now, I do not know the timeline that God has for your healing, but I know he is always inviting us into greater inner freedom. It does not always happen in a single encounter like it did for me in this story (other wounds from my eating disorder have taken years of work), but God has his unique way with each of us.
Do not be afraid to bring those little triggers to him. He is gentle, and he cares.
Peace,
Hannah
four things I have loved this week:
This recipe for GF pumpkin muffins. It was just ten times better than any other GF muffins I have ever tasted. Note: I also added raisins.
This workout. Simple, and can be done with a toddler around.
A fleece vest that my sister gave me for my birthday. Are vests cool? Do I care? These are questions I regularly ask myself.
You can find a similar vest here: Basic Fleece Vest
This amazing trailer for a new series by the Archdiocese of Edmonton. It tells the stories of priests, brothers and religious sisters who faced their fears and answered God’s call.