I have a deep fear of being seen as a quitter.
To me, a quitter is someone who just gives up when the going gets hard. They are passive, throwing up their hands and saying “well, there is nothing I can do about it” when faced with an obstacle. They don’t have a sense of duty, or at least if they do, it falls second to their feelings in any given moment.
But recently, I have been thinking about how sticking with something just because you started it is not inherently virtuous.
Following through is a good thing when it is inspired by virtuous responsibility.
It is not a good thing when it is inspired by a false sense of obligation, or the desire to hold up one’s own ego.
In the last year, I went through a challenging process of discernment. It helped me clarify clarify what it means to be motivated by true responsibility versus an unhealthy attachment to doing something merely for the sake of proving you can.
Two years ago, I excitedly started a Master’s Degree in Counselling. The timing felt right, I loved the program and it promised to buoy me towards my future career dreams. The first semester flew by; my classes were thought- provoking, and I felt like I was thriving. Yes, I am that nerd who actually likes writing academic papers.
The semester ended with a intensive practicum which involved a lot of role playing. The point of it was to encourage future counsellors to truly dive into their own life experiences and reflect on how that would impact their role as a future therapist. It was challenging — sort of like a full week of personal therapy while being graded. It helped me look at what it actually means to be a good counsellor.
I knew I was going to take a break in my studies after that first semester, since I was due to give birth. I fully planned on heading back to classes once my son was six months or so.
However, as the time for me to register for classes neared, I felt hesitant.
I felt guilty and frustrated with myself.
Wasn’t this my dream opportunity? I had thought so. The classes were online and flexible, which could help fill the empty moments when my son was napping. The intellectual stimulation would help me feel like a person with an a fully operational brain after the blur of life with a newborn.
And yet, I was not eager and excited like I had been before.
But I was determined to continue.
You see, I really did not want to be seen as a quitter — not by myself and not by anyone else.
Something inside me felt like I had to prove myself by finishing what I started with this degree, whether I felt like it or not. My fear kept me from seeing any other possibilities.
Cloud of Fear Art by Giselle Dekel
So I patted myself on the back for signing up for classes, telling myself that I was doing my duty. Even if I was going to be miserable doing it, I would get that M.A. behind my name.
It took many conversations with my husband, my spiritual director and close friends to realize that I was following a false sense of obligation. Motivated by fear of failing others, and failing myself, I was fighting to keep a door open that God was clearly trying to close.
When I was honest with myself, I no longer felt drawn to or excited about being a licensed counsellor. It was not because I did not like the program, but rather, something in me had shifted away from that dream.
I firmly believe that God speaks to us through our desires. It takes self-knowledge and discernment to get past all of our barriers and defense mechanisms to truly know what those desires are. Examining our motives and getting to the heart of why we do things or do not do things can help us identify what God is truly calling us to.
For me, this meant letting go of the fear of being seen as a quitter. Sometimes we follow through with a decision in the name of duty, but we are really doing it because we are afraid of what will happen if we let tye opportunity go. I realized that my main motivation for following through with my degree was my fear, which was not a good motive for any life decision.
Withdrawing from the program may have felt like a blow, but really it was only a blow to my pride. Quitting, in this case, was what God wanted me to do. Through it, I have begun to overcome my fear of being seen as a quitter, for “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love.” ( 2 Timothy 1:7).
Peace,
Hannah Chartier
Thank you for illustrating this process so clearly - letting go takes courage💛